January 2024. Reminiscing 2023
Inspired by readingfilms, a recap of the year that just went by.
The rotation around the sun, those 365 days. Arbitrary number, change of calendar month, though it feels like going into hibernation.
This year had lots of learning and not anything substantial that happened.
A few travels, road-trips, friends who visited, friends I made, seeing the city in a new light, internal turmoils, exams, housing crisis and a relatively dry summer with some forest fires.
In February, the visit to the contemporary Calgary. The immigration exhibit, so eye opening and representing the pains of leaving the homeland. The most real iteration was the broken tiles and experiencing walking on them, that feeling of missing the safe soft grounds and building oneself new in a foreign land.
The Human Capital
Bought new phone. After 9years of using the G5, it was slowing down. Missed some of it's features in the new one. And gradually got used to the new Pixel.
Impromptu trip to Vancouver, meeting A and visiting the Lynn Canyon, the south Indian food and being by the ocean, amidst the cold February.
The India trip finally happened. After five years. After a whole whirlwind of events that took over the sanity, a series of unfortunate events that were bigger than the pandemic.
One of the most heartbreaking and memorable trips. Meeting those close bonds again after the devastation that took away loved ones during the pandemic. To be laughing, as well, being misty-eyed. The home was closed for all those years, that it was not live-able anymore, felt homeless, but also was encapsulated in the warmth of those family friends who had us all stay, cooked us warm meals and included us into their lives so effortlessly. So tempted on seeing the guava, eating so many of those, walking around, craving to drive but didn't know how to drive a manual or to navigate the insane traffic chaos, using the electric rickshaw, the plethora of cleaning works, working from vacation, seeing friends and their kids for the first time. Being amidst all that was childhood and the warm rosy tinted love. Holi, the colors and water and all the food, such a heartwarming celebration.
The banks of Ganges and experiencing calm amidst chaos. Yoga festival that we unknowingly got to attend. The simplicity of food at Parmarth Niketan. The banking systems that seemed all alien, confusing, frustrating. Those amusing arranged setups.
The hospitality of Marriott and Emirates and the immigration chaos at JFK.
And it feels all quite and still once back. As if the time moves slowly here.
Attending a wedding at the Gurdwara for the first time. Getting introduced to A and the conversations fading in and out, bit of superficial, direct and sometimes even hurtful, that people who you can't be friends with, that sometimes it's easy to see the layers and gaps that you can't mend and to remorse and let things fade. That sometimes it feels some personality types lack the fuzzy covering and are more metal like, cold and barren, the internal efforts that can only help one have a fuzzy-ness, a way of making other people around feel safe and respected.
And some have a lot of fuzzy-ness and not the right amount of soil under the feet. This was a year of keeping realistic hopes and also finding solace in other people's stories. To give and get inspiration.
The atlassian exam in April, that didn't got cleared, because I didn't realized that it was not auto-saving. Then being brave and telling to P & C. Then rebooking it for September. Which then later got rebooked for November.
The summer of finding a house to invest here, to build something of all the savings. The fears. How there never was a decision that I made so big, and here I am on the crossroads of something so huge, testing waters, putting offers and sometimes even hoping they don't get accepted. The escalated interest rates, show homes to reno homes. Putting in offers, then getting to know there were 15 more of those. All through the experience, finding clarity and just witnessing what the market is doing. There were sleepless nights of not getting the house offer accepted, but then later realizing it must be for the best. Fears for the unknown future.
Developing interest in astrocartography. Finding places to visit based on the astrological lines and the benefic planets. Understanding how the place I am staying is impacting. The effect of planetary lines that pass through here.
Didn't really understand all of it, though lot of it was interesting and relatable. Finding the discussion threads on reddit. Reading the descriptions associated with the planets, how the life is being built around, the descriptions sometimes creates doubts but also brings some steadiness and understanding that there's somethings we can do and some that are out of our control. The relocations impact, as if being born in a new place altogether.
June. Showing V & M around Banff. Rediscovering old landscapes. Finding new places to visit that in all these years I haven't explored. They take care of me, how friends do, ask me questions on how I really feel, tell me about their experiences, and make me laugh so much. To be appreciative of those new bonds that flourish. A's friends from Boston, Chicago, house full of people.
Sunshine Meadows hike with M. Picnics with V and her group, making new connections with T, J and N. Trying new workout classes.
Road trip to the west coast, seeing V and M again, more laughter and cooking together.
Meeting old school friends K and V after many years, adoring their tiny little daughter, planning their Vancouver trip and walking around downtown. Taking the bus to Seattle, wandering in Tulalip and not finding a thing, trying and then leaving. Exploring the suburbs, Everett, Lynnwood, doing the touristy things, in awe of greenery, getting stuck in traffic, exploring the Boeing museum, weed like lavender growth in Mukilteo, July stampede weekend, the beautiful drive back to Vancouver, and more than usual amount of people travelling to Calgary, the touristy things in your own city you get oblivious of after living for a long time, but can still be a fascination for a lot.
Portland. Another place of fascination. Wandering on the July long weekend, staying in a hostel, forest fires and heat waves. Rose garden, pinocchio exhibit at the art museum, finding a new friend and also finding some sort of closure with the oldest one.
Losses and experiences. Defeats and not finding connections. The world around being too complex and confusing to make sense of.
Amidst all, just letting myself not get succumbed to the situations, but putting all efforts to keep the warmth and softness alive inside.
Kids, puppies, books and volunteering!
For the longest time, and still some days, not understanding the pressures to buy a house, when I despise this part of Earth, barren and cold, and also slowly seeing those purviews shift. The big three - the work, the human, the house. Juggling all three.
Making big castles of Working Holiday Visa to go to Finland/Ireland, researching, exploring and still too timid to actually be able to do it. Half the time being told to stay on the rigid usual path. I thrive in experimentation. And with age, I am becoming more accustomed to the status quo life around. Living as if still being that 14 year old. The invisible. The obliger.
The career coach, I still think about, was more of a therapy like session, who said he cannot work with me, because I don't know what I want to do in life. I perhaps didn't relate to his method of exploration. The scenario of stranded ship and the rise of a new civilization, I felt more scared of it rather than inspired. I later felt it was too basic for the fee he charged. Though he provided with some tools, observations which I can revisit and map out the visions and experiment on my own.
Somedays we think we would behave a certain way due to the conditioning of the world around us, but then we surprise ourselves by enacting the kindness, empathy and self-love that we can't ourselves think we have the capacity for. The grand acts of letting go with grace, even when some of the brain-cells are telling otherwise.
September, another trip. With S to Montreal. Found it exhausting to be with someone who takes no responsibility for planning or spending, but was complaining when things were a bit hay-wired. Her purviews and unsolicited relationship advices and gaps of years that I can't seem to make sense of. But also, coming from a place of good intentions. Maybe my ways of being platonic are too much to ask for. Overall a beautiful birthday trip. The actual day was gloomy, I felt alone and forgotten, wandered the McGill campus, got wet in the rain, the Felilx and Norton cookies that I went so far to get and didn't get to savor them. The stationery store and the dinner at Lov. It ended not so bad. The nature walk and the bird that came and sat on my hand. Apple picking. The forest full of greens - maple, walnut trees all around, the lake and a week of respite from being surrounded by familiarity.
Health, didn't get to take care of it. The house stress that kept me awake at nights, the days I felt distracted and disheartened, mainly due to finding houses and losing faith in my pursuits to call a human home. The elevated blood sugar levels. The pursuits of constructing something and then demolishing it.
To find Earth as a metaphor to make sense of the life events, that there will be erosions, earthquakes and volcanoes. That there will be phases of time when there will be no growth. That there will be frozen ice-caps and flowing rivers. All that will be inside. Subconsciously finding the patterns of my own detachments, attachments and self-awareness. As if when we were young we are more like asteroids and then as we grow older the paths of life become more rigid and we become planets and curate own little galaxies. Then also visiting other galaxies and leaving some stardust, hoping that some gravitational pulls will be more stronger than the other.
And steady life at work. Bringing in all the might and being able to complete the certification. Interviews and hoping for new beginnings.
Then the devfest in November. Getting to be part of the most amazing experience, organizing such a huge event for Google Dev Group. Associating with G and the whole team. Managing some of the volunteers. It was quite an experience to be able to ask and guide them through. Making swag bags, taking care of catering for thousand people. Two days. Keynotes, presentations and running around. 20K steps a day. And a week off from work after that's done. Attending the launch party. Prepping and passing the certification. That was the most productive month! Totally outshined all the other months.
December, Two weeks in Seattle. Some moments of solitude. Being out in the rain and how fascinated I get to see the water drops on the glass window. Finding some bits of freedom. Scared of spending, then spending a bit much. The visit to Christmas market. Salt and Straw. Watching The Holdovers and all the laughter around. Meeting M and G and how they were kind enough to keep me company. Exploring grocery stores. Like a US ritual, revisiting Trader Joe's and getting the things to take back as souvenirs.
Those humongous change of events at home and not being there.
Meeting a college friend K and V and their little daughters. Driving in Seattle. Those 45 degree inclines. Taking the D bus and exploring Ballard. Nordic museum. So much of art, events and farmers market. Getting really sick and missing home. Interviews while on vacation, wasn't really prepared much. The dilemmas. Making art, assembling the table and finding ways to not get bored of myself. Visiting the AWS skills center and having conversations with the instructor, fascinated by the interactive globe. The gingko tree outside, that I never find here, and to always pick a few of those triangle leaves. Trying the Nan's Matcha cafe, wandering in the aisles of Whole Foods. Reaching out to the people I knew. S, who I met on lunchclub, and who has also visited my hometown in India, such a serendipitous connection. Then meeting with her again for brunch and showing her around Ballard. Visiting Fremont, the sunday market, trying that interesting cookie, made of tahini and almond flour, recreating it during christmas after.
Meeting the wonderful human, P, who had a beautiful persona about him. Felt as if I have known him for a long time through his writings, readingfilms. Such a warm smile, endless conversations and laughter. Canceling the meeting to accompany me to the Spheres. My fascination with ferns and fishes, the pictures and that huge nest. Getting my feet wet in the Pacific. Watching the waves and slowly seeing those two weeks disappear, so swiftly. Meeting D and so many conversations.
Taking the bus to Vancouver, seeing V and M. Surrey, eating out with A, such good kulcha, perhaps a proper one first time in life. A childlike happiness of someone's first visit to Costco. Going to lighthouse park, Christmas lights, the music and being a bit homesick but also not wanting to go back to that life. The remorse of leaving and time passing too soon. Not looking forward to the silence after the storm at home. Long waiting for the Lyft to arrive.
Christmas. With 3 senior doggos, having friends for lunch, some gloominess, meeting some for brunch and lot of time just laying in the sun and listening to longform podcasts. Making plans with R to start a business for doggos.
Contemplating my own thresholds and fears. This sheltered living, obligation to be the one who stay, a feeble life, all constructed ways of being in the world. To be protective, to be a less than person and all the while forgetting how to be protective of my own self, sabotaging my own sanity, sacrificing. But some days I also think maybe it's helping me stay less lonely and being more accommodating. Would I have not been that had I been on my own, I wonder. Would I have been a more cold person?
And I don't know any other way how to be. Feel proud of people who are able to, but also witnessed some instances when the persona shifted. Then the times I get reprimanded as if my life isn't my own, demotivates me.
I try to find the tribe outside. Sometimes it happens to stay, sometimes it fades away.
That I found myself growing and forging my place in the world. Felt confident that so many connections didn't work, but still I was able to somehow maintain a not so negative state of mind, more or less.
Hoping for next year that it will be fulfilling in new ways. There's devfest planning that started already.
That the decisions I make and the work are fulfilling. That I find safety and grow confidence that I tend to keep losing. That I find fulfilling work, a best-friend that feels like home and a place to finally invest before the market gets crazy again. This year was a lot about making new connections. 2024, possibly will be getting heads-down into the work. Anticipations of new job, learning and new networks. And perhaps, Atlassian finds me after!
Random things of 2023 -
- Dogs I met - Buddy, Enzo, Rani, Maggie, Lily, Quincy, Hammie, Coco, Simba, Spikey, Skye, Stella, Cosmo, Russel, Murphy, Luna
- Tried indoor climbing for the first time
- Played holi after ages, wasn't a big fan, but had fun, felt less inhibited for the first time.
- April, lost Ian. Years of his battle with cancer. Attending the celebration of life event for him. Teary eyed J. The memories with him, his gentleness, I&J's beautiful love story, second chances, the love for outdoors, so many of firsts for so many people in the room, gathered together speaking about him and being able to connect through a common thread. My first hike, Cirque peak, his charisma, helpfulness and leading the group, motivating each step of the way. The room that day was filled with his legacy. His parents, sister, son and countless friends. That whole experience that teaches that there's so much more to life than just being part of the rat race.
- Lost my sense of smell for a number of days, the extreme congestion after coming back from India, somehow got allergies from the pollens around. Got prescribed steroids. Didn't take them all. It came back eventually
- Cities to transit and visit - Houston, Dubai, New York | Delhi, Rishikesh, Moradabad, Bijnor, Haridwar, Noida, Gurgaon, Montreal, Seattle, Portland, Vancouver
- Got to see Northern Lights twice - March and November. Both early in the night around 9pm
- Made a few new friends - T, J, P, A, R
- Drank mulled wine for the first time and felt like a slug the next day. Wondered about the love for alcohol people have.
- Got a traffic ticket, went in the wrong lane middle of the night, construction chaos and there was the police, as if waiting for the bait. Points deduction. Appealed but they didn't reduced it.
- Ran my first half marathon in September, didn't prepare, 5.48 km in 62 min. 7687 steps.
- Been to Heritage Park for the first time, and twice in the same year. Seeing the city, history and civilization in a new light.
- First time been in an amazon go store
- Got the Atlassian certification
- Figured my big three - rising, sun and moon signs - Aquarius, Virgo, Taurus/Aries - Air, Earth, Earth/Fire. Biggest surprise was the rising. Found myself to be earthy, but then I have some airy-ness too about me.
- Books I loved - "Lost & Found", such a beautifully written one. "Time is a mother", Ocean Voung's poetry.. "50 toughest questions of life" by Deepak Ramola, "On Mental Toughness", non-fiction, HBR, "Wired for love" on how to become more secure, "Obscure Sorrows", beautiful dictionary-esque of words related of all kinds of sadness in the world. And a lot of children books, filled with fascinating illustrations and heartwarming stories and ideas.
- Watched and liked - Lessons in chemistry, First Love, Heartstoppers, Past Lives, Gulmohar, Sita Ramam, Paterson, Kusama - Infinity, Aspirants, Suzhal, The Deepest Breath, The worst person in the world, Ted Lasso
- Songs i listened bit more than others - Mehram, Ravi, Haal Aisa Nahin, Khabar-e-Tahayyur, Pasoori, Sukoon - Shae Gill, Lost - Osman, Unholy and a lot of Pratibha Singh Baghel and Niladri Kumar
Apps I discovered - Balance, Airola, Wise
Museums i visited - Contemporary Calgary, Portland Art Museum, Boeing Museum, McCord Stewart Museum, Montreal Museum of Fine Arts, Seattle Art Museum, Nordic Museum Seattle, Henry Arts, Esker Foundation
Discovered the favorite bubble tea places - The Moon and Mr. Sun Tea, also the Sunright Boba in Seattle (didn't realized the names are similar until i wrote)
New Year Resolution - no bubble tea in 2024.
Though seems I'd be needing coffee more.
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